Dr. Google Says I'm Dying

Patient one: one new floater.
Patient two: a curtain. And absolutely no sense of urgency.

Two a.m., I saw a little squiggle, it was gray
I googled "eye floater," and the internet said I'd decay
Seventeen tabs open and a forum from oh-four
I called the answering service, now I'm sobbing on the floor

Is it a tear? Is it a tumor? Is it a sign?
I wrote a will on a napkin and I signed it "goodbye"

Dr. Google says I'm dying! (Whoa-oh!)
There's a cobweb in my eye! (Whoa-oh!)
They dilated me and looked around
And told me I won't die
It's a PVD, it's normal
Half the planet gets one too
But I already told my mom goodbye
So what am I supposed to do?

Then there's the guy in chair three, cool as summer rain
"A curtain's coming down on my left side, but there isn't any pain"
"When'd it start?" "Oh, three weeks back, I figured it would clear"
"I had a fishing trip, so I waited till I got here"

Flashes like a lightning storm, a shadow creeping in
And he's asking if we validate parking with a grin

Hey, you've got a curtain! (Whoa-oh!)
That's a call-us-today thing! (Whoa-oh!)
The retina doc is on the way
Cancel the fishing, cancel everything
Hey, you've got a curtain! (Whoa-oh!)
That's the one you don't sit through
The day the shade comes down
We'll be waiting here for you

Somewhere in the middle there's a reasonable man
Who sees some brand-new floaters, calls us up, and makes a plan
He doesn't write a will, he doesn't wait three weeks to say
He just calls that afternoon... we've never met him, by the way

Dr. Google says I'm dying! (Whoa-oh!)
Hey, you've got a curtain! (Whoa-oh!)
One of you calm down a little
One of you get in the car
New flash, new floater, new shadow
Call us, wherever you are!

Both of them at checkout.
One is planning her funeral. One is planning his fishing trip.
(Whoa-oh!)